see ya later, #19.


i’ve got a rotten tooth. you can see the cute little swell on the side of my gums. sick.

i went to the dentist on tuesday, and they didn’t tell me anything i didn’t already know (because there are three dental students in our connection group and they know what’s up). the verdict is that i’m getting this sucker ripped out next thursday. super fun.

tooth #19 is my arch-nemesis. almost as soon as it grew in when i was a kid, a huge cavity formed, for no apparent reason. so i got a filling. then, when i was 18, the existing tooth around the filling just broke off when i was at a barbecue with some friends. cute. so i had a root canal, refilled the tooth, and put a nice crown on top of all of that. and now, 5 years later, the infection is back with a vengeance and the dentist recommended that we don’t give the tooth any more chances. and although i’m pretty sure it’s a heck of a lot more expensive to get an implant, i’m pretty convinced it will be better in the long run.

spring break adventure


last week, i had a great week of work. i got so much done, was rarely interrupted (due to spring break), and just generally felt well rested.

to celebrate, my sweet friend kaylee and i went on a “spontaneous” road trip on friday and saturday. this little trip was exactly what the doctor ordered. it was so incredibly relaxing to just be away from everything and to have no real plans for the weekend except to have fun and hang out with each other.

some highlights of the weekend:

  • ikea. enough said.
  • spontaneous stop at the quilt shop where it just so happened that a charter bus of ladies was also stopped and they even had a cheese ball to celebrate. 
  • two new cute dresses (and a really memorable story that goes along with them)
  • uptown exploration: urban outfitters, calling “aunt sue” to get a good tea suggestion, saying we should take pictures of everything and not taking any. 
  • crafty planet! a super wonderful craft shop, where i got needle felting supplies and kaylee got super cute sushi fabric
  • finding a really cute scarf and a vintage suitcase at great prices. 
  • hanging out with kaylee all weekend long, and lovin’ every minute of it. 
  • the weather was 75 and sunny-couldn’t have asked for a greater gift from God!
  • neither one of us cried all weekend long!
hooray for friends, roadtrips, and fun. 

i haven’t been crazy for nothing.


maybe you’ve been reading this blog for the past couple weeks and thought to yourself, “why is this lady so cray-cray?” (that’s the cool way of saying crazy, and i know that everyone who reads this blog is super cool.) or perhaps you’ve thought, “what’s her problem and why does she cry so much?”

i completely understand. and i would like to explain myself. my friends have asked me (after i cried all over them), “what’s wrong with you?!?!” many times, so i pretty much have the answer down-pat.

what’s wrong with me? everything.
or, in short, a trifecta of huge things.

#1. work.
i love my job so much, and i love being great at it. but right now, that means working really hard, stressing myself out so much, and overextending every part of myself. i’m totally cool with it, but i may or may not have had a few breakdowns in front of the entire staff team about it. whatevs.

#2. the impending 76 days without my husband.
i’m really trying not to think about it. but bryan and i have been having so much fun together lately. we’re growing together, laughing together, making fun of each other. our relationship has never been better and that usually makes me think about how much i’m going to miss him this summer. and from what i’ve heard, this is the worst part, the waiting and anticipation. i really think i’ll be fine when he’s gone, but i can’t keep my mind off the fact that he’s going to be gone.

#3. the job hunt and possible move across the country
this isn’t something i’ve blogged about yet, so for those of you who don’t know, we’re strongly considering moving to seattle, wa after bryan graduates and gets back from east asia. crazy, huh?! maybe it’s the coffee on an empty stomach, but i’m jittery just thinking about it. the biggest stress about this is that we may not even know until august that we’re moving. in august. the thought of deciding to move and moving all in the same month is really overwhelming to me. we could totally decide to stay too, but this is the biggest decision we’ve ever had to make in our marriage together, and the future is completely grey right now.

so there you have it, i’m extremely stressed out because my mind is always on one of those three things right now. if i’m not thinking about everything that needs to be done for work, i’m thinking about everything that i want to be doing to prepare for a possible move across the country, or i’m thinking about how i’m going to be completely alone this summer, or i’m thinking about how i don’t actually know anything that is to happen in the next 6 months of my life.

so i beg you for prayer. please, please, please pray for us. we desperately want God to share His vision with us in all of this. we want to see our future through His eyes, and make each decision in light of that. God has already been good to unite bryan and i all the more throughout all of this. pray that we would continue to glorify God with our marriage and in our ministry. and if you want to add more to your prayers for us, please prayer that my mind doesn’t explode with anxiety or stress, because there are days when i’ve come close to brain explosion.

trust me, it’s normal


if you’ve seen me in person in the last month, and asked a simple question like, “how are you doing?” you’ve probably seen me burst into tears.

i seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me! well, yes i do, i have absolutely no control over anything in my life, and i’m emotional wreck. i’ve never been this emotionally unstable. i would even say i’m a generally strong person. i’ve always been great at holding it together for everyone else, bearing burdens, dealing with them myself on my own and living happily in front of everyone else.

so i’m terribly sorry for freaking everyone in my life out.

and even though it’s completely involuntary, i’m so thankful that i’ve been able to be vulnerable.

i was telling bryan yesterday afternoon (as we were sitting outside on our picnic table because it was 80 degrees and AWESOME!) that i have felt SO. ENCOURAGED. AND. UPLIFTED. by everyone in my life. and i mean everyone. my dearest friends and family who read this blog and are certain i’m going insane have been so willing to let me burst into tears all over them even if i haven’t seen them in months. my connection group and the veritas staff who have watched me completely melt down about all the stress in my life. even just all the veritas people i’ve interacted with over the last few weeks (which is a TON of people, because we have so much going on right now) have constantly been reaffirming how great everything is going.

all of this has made me cry all the more and at the same time has been absolutely essential to my sanity. so thank you.

and i want to say it’s over, that i haven’t been bursting into tears as often and that i’m back to my normal, don’t-worry-i-can-handle-everything-and-be-wonderfully-happy-all-the-time self. but i’m afraid i’m on the verge of tears right now just thinking about all the compassion and support i’ve been shown over the last month. so i’m sorry, but i’m not quite over the crying phase of my life. this is just the new normal for me, crying about everything. i hope you’re okay with it.  because even though it makes you really uncomfortable, it’s actually been really good for me to rely on other people.

thanks for listening, i hope to continue to find time to write out my feelings but also update you about more than just my emotional instability.

winter got a fall out of me.


right now, it’s 57 degrees. and the high for today is 66. thus i’ve declared it, “no coat day.” and “the first day of no more winter.”

but, mother nature got me yesterday, and she got me good. she probably knew full well that yesterday was the last day of winter and she just couldn’t let me get away without a good, hearty winter fall.

the fall was short and sweet, a little too short and sweet. i got out of my car after running an errand and then i was on the ground. i seriously didn’t even feel myself slip so my hands didn’t work to catch me at all, i was just face down, sore, and unable to see because my glasses had flown off my face and it was sort of dark.

i now have four knee caps, because i have huge welts on both of my original knee caps. i even iced them down last night, which is hilarious in it of itself because i’ve never had to ice anything in my life because i never work out/exercise/play sports. and i’m sore all over, once again, not because i tried to be sore for good and healthy reasons, but because i have the worst balance and reflexes of anyone ever existing.

thank you winter, for reminding that i suck as a human being.

trailer park life


you know you live in a trailer park when…

you turn in to the park entrance around midnight on a friday night, only to see a man in a cape walking on foot determinedly out of the trailer toward the nearby bowling alley.


bring on the college freshman

first salt ever!

i’ve known anna since she was in eighth grade so it is super weird that all my little, tiny, wide eyed eighth graders are college shopping right now. God is so good to lead her to iowa city, where i can kidnap her and make her hang out with me all the time.

i love this girl, and i can’t wait for fall 2012!

the panic attack


have you ever been so overwhelmed with life and work that you want to curl up in a ball and forget all your responsibilities and pretend like everything is going to get done anyway?

okay, well, have you ever actually curled up in ball and desperately tried to wish away everything you had to do? because that’s what happened to me this past weekend.

there is a lot going on in Veritas right now because God is trying to show us that He’s all “crazy awesome” and “has way bigger plans than we do.” [no blaspheming intended, i think God understands my sarcasm] seriously, we’ve had baptisms, sending 19 people to brazil in less than TWO WEEKS, 95 students going on our first ever spring retreat this weekend, an upcoming women’s retreat and more.

i admit that i’ve been waaaahayyyyy overwhelmed with it all. there has just been so much to do and so little time. last week felt completely nutso busy and yet i left on friday at 5pm with so much undone. i said to myself, “i’ll work on this at home, and then i’ll just go in and print everything.” and then…

then, i proceeded to FREAK OUT about everything that i still had to do and i handled it by curling up in a ball, watching insane amounts of tv and profusely asking bryan to not talk to me about anything i should or shouldn’t be doing. i did this until 8pm on Saturday, because i had thankfully watched every episode of “New Girl.” after that, i was out of things to distract me from everything i had to have done for sunday.

so, i slipped my laptop in my bag, and went to the church offices, at 8pm on a saturday night. what can i say? i work best under pressure. the following is a true account of my saturday night adrenaline-filled work hours, for your enjoyment [because i know you read this blog for my crazy]

7:56pm: arrive at offices, lock the door behind me
7:57pm: turn on hall lights, my office light, and copy room light
7:59pm: put dishes away, break a glass (shoot!), get a glass of water
8:02pm: open up the laptop, turn on local natives pandora station, dance a little, start working
8:34pm: find myself dancing as i cross things off my huge to-do list, i started with easy things like ordering a new address stamp and a paper folder
9:15pm: i’m reminded of the bubbles jenny tokheim left for us, and i blow some for fun. it makes me happy
11:47pm: clint comes into the offices to get some things for sunday morning, asks me if anyone got towels for the baptisms tomorrow, i add that to my to-do list
12:05am: i think i’m almost done, and then i remember 4 other things i should do
1:26am: i head to walmart so i won’t have to in the morning, oh wait, it already is the morning
1:47am: i check-out at walmart with 19 pocket journals, 2 handsoaps, 4 lanyards, and 4 luxury towels. i’m sure the check-out lady was judging my weird purchases, but on the positive side, the night shift employees are much nicer than the day-shift employees.
1:53am: arrive home, not tired at all, write some blogs, go to bed

the moral of the story is, i’m crazy, but everything is done. success.