so i went to china. [the God thing]


yeah. that actually happened!

i’m really going to try to keep this short and readable, so it might turn into a couple different posts.

let’s start this blog out with a bold statement: two days after i arrived in china, i told bryan i would move there if he wanted us to. 

those that walked through these last 8-9 months with us know that one sentence is exactly why i needed to go to china. eric & holly (aka the best connection group leaders in the world) said that almost immediately after we got back.

here’s a little background. i took perspectives. it completely opened my eyes to God’s heart for the world and totally shook my view on the Bible and God up. i loved it.

the class in no way made me want to go overseas. not even a little.

but it did stir my heart for the nations, and i began to support others with prayer and money with excitement. i was 18, working a fulltime job with no plans of going to college. and i wanted to be a wife and a mom. i remember saying that i didn’t have any desire to go overseas myself, but i think i would be more willing to follow someone overseas (in other words, i want to get married and if he wants to go overseas, well, i guess i would consider that).

well, easier said than done.

last semester, God did A LOT in my heart regarding following my husband. a lot. it was the source of a lot of my tears, anguish, and worry. but God was working and just like Elizabeth George in A Woman After God’s Own Heart, i was fully prepared to receive a call from bryan while he was in china asking me to move there and say, “yes!” ha. hahahaha. hahaha.

actually, i thought bryan was crazy for even thinking we could move overseas. what would he do? what would i do? when would i get to have babies?

i know, i know, i wasn’t exactly the picture of an awesome wife. i was more like, sure, go to china, i’ll stay here and cry until you get back.

i just needed to go. and here’s what God showed me:

my husband KILLED IT. and by killed it, i mean, SAVED IT. because he was a part of saving eternal lives. and he was really, really good at it. he was bold, direct, honest and loving. and his impact was great.

i actually love asians! it’s not that i didn’t love asians before. it’s just that i didn’t love them NEARLY as much as a lot of my other friends. i think i was a little intimidated by my dear friends who are simply put, obsessed with all things asian. i was all, “if that’s what loving asians is, i’m out.” but God provided such sweet girls and guys that it was impossible not to fall in love with the people and culture there.

the fact that bryan went for five weeks and i went for one was just perfect. bryan had a enough of life there to become a little more grounded and a little less idealistic about overseas life. he got a realistic idea of what it would be like (somewhat), talked to the long-termers about their struggles, vision and advice, and had good days and bad days there.
and i went for one week and was prettily easily sold on the idea. i was all, “I LOVE THE FOOD. I LOVE RIDING BUSES. I LOVE SWEATING. I LOVE THE PEOPLE. I LOVE THE FOOD.”


thanks Father, we really appreciate it.

[as a point of clarity for the sake of our moms, we currently do not have plans to go to China at this moment. more on that later.]

coming up…
so i went to china [the experiences]

and the plans change again.


and just when you thought you had at least one solid plan for the near future…

the plan changes again.

for the last six months, bryan and i have been preparing our hearts, minds, and marriage for a 12 week time apart for the sake of the nations. we love the world, and the people in the world. we love God’s plan for the eternal salvation of all nations, and we want to be as much a part of it as we can.

so, as you know, we decided last december that bryan would go to east asia for twelve weeks to share the gospel with the unreached with these lovely people:

we never had a second thought about this decision. when you’re convinced of the extremely good news of salvation through jesus christ, decisions to share that good news in a largely unreached nation is very close to a no-brainer.

sure, i’ve cried. a lot. but i knew that the gospel was worth missing my husband. as for our marriage, our plan was to talk to each other weekly so that we could stay as one minded as possible. we knew it might be hard to communicate with each other, but we could make it work. we are convinced the gospel will prevail in east asia and in our marriage. 

twelve weeks. this was the plan. actually, it was one of the only plans that was a “sure thing.” we still don’t know if we’re going to move in the fall, we don’t know if our lives are going to stay very much the same or be very different in six months from now. but we did know that bryan was going to be in east asia from may 21st until august 6th.

or so we thought.

i have never taken for granted the fact that bryan and i are apart of an amazing church. we go to a church where the elders pray for us specifically, they know us by name, they genuinely love and care for us and our well-being. and our church loves the nations too. bryan is one of 29 students going overseas this year with the support of veritas. how awesome is that?!

but we experienced just how awesome our church is and definitely felt just how much our church loves is. and the verdict is…

bryan is going to east asia. and so am i. and we’ll both be back by june 24th.
bryan will leave with his team as planned on may 21st. and i’ll leave sometime around june 13th to meet him there. we’ll work together for about a week and fly home together. in the end, we’ll only be spending about three weeks apart!

there were many people that voiced their concerns and opinions and love for us. and we were not hesitant to change our plans and submit to such awesome, prayerful, and wise leadership.

we’ll be sending out letters to all of bryan’s supporters to share this story with them but if you are one of bryan’s supporters, feel free to let us know if you have any questions.

we have felt so supported and loved by our supporters, our friends, our families, and our church throughout these past six months. it is truly exciting to live in step with God, and we pray that this summer would only deepen our relationship with our God.

i haven’t been crazy for nothing.


maybe you’ve been reading this blog for the past couple weeks and thought to yourself, “why is this lady so cray-cray?” (that’s the cool way of saying crazy, and i know that everyone who reads this blog is super cool.) or perhaps you’ve thought, “what’s her problem and why does she cry so much?”

i completely understand. and i would like to explain myself. my friends have asked me (after i cried all over them), “what’s wrong with you?!?!” many times, so i pretty much have the answer down-pat.

what’s wrong with me? everything.
or, in short, a trifecta of huge things.

#1. work.
i love my job so much, and i love being great at it. but right now, that means working really hard, stressing myself out so much, and overextending every part of myself. i’m totally cool with it, but i may or may not have had a few breakdowns in front of the entire staff team about it. whatevs.

#2. the impending 76 days without my husband.
i’m really trying not to think about it. but bryan and i have been having so much fun together lately. we’re growing together, laughing together, making fun of each other. our relationship has never been better and that usually makes me think about how much i’m going to miss him this summer. and from what i’ve heard, this is the worst part, the waiting and anticipation. i really think i’ll be fine when he’s gone, but i can’t keep my mind off the fact that he’s going to be gone.

#3. the job hunt and possible move across the country
this isn’t something i’ve blogged about yet, so for those of you who don’t know, we’re strongly considering moving to seattle, wa after bryan graduates and gets back from east asia. crazy, huh?! maybe it’s the coffee on an empty stomach, but i’m jittery just thinking about it. the biggest stress about this is that we may not even know until august that we’re moving. in august. the thought of deciding to move and moving all in the same month is really overwhelming to me. we could totally decide to stay too, but this is the biggest decision we’ve ever had to make in our marriage together, and the future is completely grey right now.

so there you have it, i’m extremely stressed out because my mind is always on one of those three things right now. if i’m not thinking about everything that needs to be done for work, i’m thinking about everything that i want to be doing to prepare for a possible move across the country, or i’m thinking about how i’m going to be completely alone this summer, or i’m thinking about how i don’t actually know anything that is to happen in the next 6 months of my life.

so i beg you for prayer. please, please, please pray for us. we desperately want God to share His vision with us in all of this. we want to see our future through His eyes, and make each decision in light of that. God has already been good to unite bryan and i all the more throughout all of this. pray that we would continue to glorify God with our marriage and in our ministry. and if you want to add more to your prayers for us, please prayer that my mind doesn’t explode with anxiety or stress, because there are days when i’ve come close to brain explosion.

the response


i absolutely LOVED the response i got from my post about going insane. i thought you’d enjoy some highlights from my week [it’s still incredibly weird to get a real-life response to my blog, rather than an internet one, but hey, keep it coming, i’m glad you read]

tuesday night at salt:
my friend emily tells me she saw my post on facebook [“i haven’t had a meltdown…YET”], but didn’t read the blog and asks me how i’m doing.
i say, “oh i just wrote about how bryan is leaving me for the summer…” and i’m down, as in, tears are welling in my eyes as students call out my name asking to register for the Salt Retreat. i escape to the bathroom and try to control myself.

wednesday night at craft night:
i’m knitting with gig, victoria, and kaylee. victoria notes the blog and asks me how i’m doing. i talk about it a little bit and joke about my line about constantly being on the verge of tears at all times. the room gets kind-of quiet and victoria so adorably points out, “oh, you’re crying now…”
“yep, i am” i respond and proceed to cry it out.

thursday morning at work:
one of our elders passes by my desk on his way out the door, and says, “i read your blog, that was HILARIOUS, but very true, so we’ll be praying for you.” his good sense of humor and compassion almost made me cry again.

on friday, i was finally able to talk about the impending east asia trip without crying, which was super nice. thanks for all the love and support, my friends, you’ve proved yourself thus far.

and for the cynics out there, NO, it wasn’t hormones. sometimes a girl can cry without that particular excuse.

can i just say?


Let’s talk about the fact that my husband is leaving me for what is officially 76 days. SEVENTY SIX DAYS PEOPLE!

I keep telling people that I haven’t really freaked out about it yet. Which is true, I haven’t had a meltdown. But I think the real truth is that I am just generally on the verge of tears at all times but I haven’t exploded yet so it doesn’t really count. How’s that for stable?

I could just completely throw a fit the day before he leaves for East Asia like normal people, but instead I’m slowly but surely wasting away my sanity over these next few months before he leaves. Although I’ve only been thinking about the reality of Bryan being gone for 76 days for about 6 weeks, I’m pretty sure this weird, elongated, insane meltdown process of mine will have many different phases.

Right now, I’m in the extremely selfish phase. Here are real-life quotes from my head:

Bryan won’t be able to send me a birthday present from across the world, and he’s going to be gone on my birthday, so that sucks.

Hey, Bryan, why don’t you just leave for East Asia TWO DAYS before our anniversary?! That way you miss our anniversary and my birthday, that’s real cool. 

Aren’t you glad you aren’t married to me? I’m horrible.

It is as if I keep forgetting that Bryan is giving up his entire summer to share the gospel with the lost and love on extremely undervalued orphans…I tend to forget these things in the height of my selfishness.

But even though I’m horrible and selfish, I’m still going to expect ALL OF YOU to put up with me when I explode in tears and can’t stop. Especially you, Kaylee.