Random Thoughts

so i started running.

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right now it’s midnight, and i’m still up because my husband is driving back from chicago and i’ve got some nerves about it. those nerves are apparently turning into adrenaline which is fueling this writing spurt. lucky you.

normally it wouldn’t be a big deal that i am up this late. but it is a big deal because i’m looking forward to a 5:35am wake up call…to going running. by my own choice. my eyebrows are furrowing in confusion too.

here’s the story:
in late march, i got a call from ashley, one of the pastor’s wives from veritas. she told me about this idea she had to start a run/walk club this summer and how all of our veritas ladies would get together and run/walk and get fit and we’d all do a 5k at the end of the summer.

sidenote: as the very general “coordinator” of a church, i get to hear a A LOT of these “ideas.” and really, they usually mean, “lisagrace, here’s something else i’d like you to magically organize and make awesome like you do.” but you see, ashley is awesome (not JUST because she remembered “administrative professionals day” and made me a heart shaped sucker). no, ashley is awesome because she read my mind. she was all, “you won’t have to do anything.”

sold.

this is me after a run, my face is way more red than instagram makes me look.

well, anyway, i was excited about this little club, because although i look skinny and tall and athletic, it’s all a lie. so i went the first week and told my friend kaylee to make me run.
needless to say, it ended in me, keeled over and gagging, while kaylee ran ahead because she was so grossed out.

the second time wasn’t much better. nor the third.

but i’m pretty competitive and i was going to run without almost dying! and after hearing about it a bunch on facebook and all that jazz, i decided to download an app on my phone. and it’s working. the app is called 5k Runner or “Couch to 5k.” i was convinced by the name, because i was all, “hey i like couches and sit in them a lot currently.”

i hated running (and almost all forms of exercise for that matter) for a long time because i wasn’t good at it, i always quit too early because i felt like i was going to die, and i never knew how to breath while exercising.

but this little 8 eight week program is all i needed apparently. that and an iphone. here’s how it’s helped and made me believe that i can run a 5k.

  1. it starts off really easy, which made my ego shoot through the roof
  2. i don’t have to think about it, all i have to do is run until my phone buzzes in my hand. then i walk until it buzzes. and all of sudden, i just ran for 8 eight minutes straight and i am in shock.
  3. it’s not distance, it’s time. i can go as slow as i want, as long as i’m still running. i take advantage of that as much as i can. i believe my friend sarai calls it wogging (walking+jogging)
  4. it’s pretty much a built-in idea that you pace yourself and that is what improved my breathing the most. it still takes some focus, but my breathing is much improved and i don’t gag anymore!
i actually also have a really spiritual post in my brain related to running, but i’ll save that for another time. 

iwanttodoeverythingawesome

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my latest self discovery is that i am a perfectionist. but i’m kind of a weird version of a perfectionist, because i’m also a very fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind-of girl, which often warrants a lot of imperfections.

the perfectionist part of me can.not.handle. too much. which is what my life is right now. bottom line: if i can’t do everything perfectly, i don’t want to do anything at all.

and the worst part, the part that gets me in trouble, is that i want to do EVERYTHING. it’s not just that life has given me a lot to do right now (which is part of it), but it’s also that there are just so many things that i like and even love doing! so i say yes, yes, yes, and more yes…and then (you can probably guess) i end up crying in yet another staff meeting and this time it’s all about how hard it is to be a wife and have a job and do every hobby and hang out with every person that i would like to.

and while in the past week my life has actually had somewhat of a routine to it, and i’m actually doing things i should and want to be doing, there is still so much i’m not doing and i’m just trying to sort it all out. sheesh. it’s time for me to make a list. or several.

THINGS I LOVE TO DO:
write.
craft.
help people with crafts.
spend time with people.

THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING:
making dinner.
grocery shopping.
having energy to love and care for my husband.
helping my husband with whatever he needs.
laundry.
cleaning my house.

THINGS THAT I KNOW ARE GOOD FOR ME:
reading the Bible.
journaling to Jesus.
confessing my sin.
running/exercising.

THINGS THAT I HAVEN’T DONE YET THAT HAVE BEEN ON ‘THE LIST’ FOR YEARS:
painting my bathrooms.
fixing all the slightly damaged clothing we have.
getting our back door fixed.
continuing to de clutter.

THINGS THAT I WISH I WAS BETTER AT:
being a good friend.
being a good family member.
staying calm and collected under stress.
convincing bryan to get me pregnant.

right now. i’m working on ‘write.’ we’ll see what i get to tomorrow.

see ya later, #19.

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i’ve got a rotten tooth. you can see the cute little swell on the side of my gums. sick.

i went to the dentist on tuesday, and they didn’t tell me anything i didn’t already know (because there are three dental students in our connection group and they know what’s up). the verdict is that i’m getting this sucker ripped out next thursday. super fun.

tooth #19 is my arch-nemesis. almost as soon as it grew in when i was a kid, a huge cavity formed, for no apparent reason. so i got a filling. then, when i was 18, the existing tooth around the filling just broke off when i was at a barbecue with some friends. cute. so i had a root canal, refilled the tooth, and put a nice crown on top of all of that. and now, 5 years later, the infection is back with a vengeance and the dentist recommended that we don’t give the tooth any more chances. and although i’m pretty sure it’s a heck of a lot more expensive to get an implant, i’m pretty convinced it will be better in the long run.

i haven’t been crazy for nothing.

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maybe you’ve been reading this blog for the past couple weeks and thought to yourself, “why is this lady so cray-cray?” (that’s the cool way of saying crazy, and i know that everyone who reads this blog is super cool.) or perhaps you’ve thought, “what’s her problem and why does she cry so much?”

i completely understand. and i would like to explain myself. my friends have asked me (after i cried all over them), “what’s wrong with you?!?!” many times, so i pretty much have the answer down-pat.

what’s wrong with me? everything.
or, in short, a trifecta of huge things.

#1. work.
i love my job so much, and i love being great at it. but right now, that means working really hard, stressing myself out so much, and overextending every part of myself. i’m totally cool with it, but i may or may not have had a few breakdowns in front of the entire staff team about it. whatevs.

#2. the impending 76 days without my husband.
i’m really trying not to think about it. but bryan and i have been having so much fun together lately. we’re growing together, laughing together, making fun of each other. our relationship has never been better and that usually makes me think about how much i’m going to miss him this summer. and from what i’ve heard, this is the worst part, the waiting and anticipation. i really think i’ll be fine when he’s gone, but i can’t keep my mind off the fact that he’s going to be gone.

#3. the job hunt and possible move across the country
this isn’t something i’ve blogged about yet, so for those of you who don’t know, we’re strongly considering moving to seattle, wa after bryan graduates and gets back from east asia. crazy, huh?! maybe it’s the coffee on an empty stomach, but i’m jittery just thinking about it. the biggest stress about this is that we may not even know until august that we’re moving. in august. the thought of deciding to move and moving all in the same month is really overwhelming to me. we could totally decide to stay too, but this is the biggest decision we’ve ever had to make in our marriage together, and the future is completely grey right now.

so there you have it, i’m extremely stressed out because my mind is always on one of those three things right now. if i’m not thinking about everything that needs to be done for work, i’m thinking about everything that i want to be doing to prepare for a possible move across the country, or i’m thinking about how i’m going to be completely alone this summer, or i’m thinking about how i don’t actually know anything that is to happen in the next 6 months of my life.

so i beg you for prayer. please, please, please pray for us. we desperately want God to share His vision with us in all of this. we want to see our future through His eyes, and make each decision in light of that. God has already been good to unite bryan and i all the more throughout all of this. pray that we would continue to glorify God with our marriage and in our ministry. and if you want to add more to your prayers for us, please prayer that my mind doesn’t explode with anxiety or stress, because there are days when i’ve come close to brain explosion.

trust me, it’s normal

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if you’ve seen me in person in the last month, and asked a simple question like, “how are you doing?” you’ve probably seen me burst into tears.

i seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me! well, yes i do, i have absolutely no control over anything in my life, and i’m emotional wreck. i’ve never been this emotionally unstable. i would even say i’m a generally strong person. i’ve always been great at holding it together for everyone else, bearing burdens, dealing with them myself on my own and living happily in front of everyone else.

so i’m terribly sorry for freaking everyone in my life out.

and even though it’s completely involuntary, i’m so thankful that i’ve been able to be vulnerable.

i was telling bryan yesterday afternoon (as we were sitting outside on our picnic table because it was 80 degrees and AWESOME!) that i have felt SO. ENCOURAGED. AND. UPLIFTED. by everyone in my life. and i mean everyone. my dearest friends and family who read this blog and are certain i’m going insane have been so willing to let me burst into tears all over them even if i haven’t seen them in months. my connection group and the veritas staff who have watched me completely melt down about all the stress in my life. even just all the veritas people i’ve interacted with over the last few weeks (which is a TON of people, because we have so much going on right now) have constantly been reaffirming how great everything is going.

all of this has made me cry all the more and at the same time has been absolutely essential to my sanity. so thank you.

and i want to say it’s over, that i haven’t been bursting into tears as often and that i’m back to my normal, don’t-worry-i-can-handle-everything-and-be-wonderfully-happy-all-the-time self. but i’m afraid i’m on the verge of tears right now just thinking about all the compassion and support i’ve been shown over the last month. so i’m sorry, but i’m not quite over the crying phase of my life. this is just the new normal for me, crying about everything. i hope you’re okay with it.  because even though it makes you really uncomfortable, it’s actually been really good for me to rely on other people.

thanks for listening, i hope to continue to find time to write out my feelings but also update you about more than just my emotional instability.

ugh. goals.

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i don’t think that having new year’s resolutions only because you feel pressured to have them is really the point. but that’s a little how i feel this year. last year i was all bursting at the seams to tell you how awesome i was going to be last year and how much i was going to get accomplished.

and i am really okay with the fact that i didn’t complete most of those things. i wasn’t lying.

but i would be lying if i pretended that i actually had goals for my life right now.

crap, this post is about to be long. so how about i make it a “choose your own adventure” type thing? okay, done. you can read any one of the following endings to this post:

there you go, four posts in one day. and you thought i was slacking, didn’t you.

blogging is a funny sport

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there are good bloggers and notsogood bloggers, but was does it really matter if you’re good or no good? sure you could be making some money, but it’s not like it’s your livelihood. sure you could have a million readers, but if your family likes seeing all those cute pictures of your kids, that’s the main goal, right?

and we get so upset if people don’t read our blogs, don’t we? we’re all like, why don’t people like what i have to say? i’m going to go on strike FROM MY OWN BLOG and see if anyone notices. and then four months later we write a post laced in bitterness to our non-existant readers, starting with:

“sorry i haven’t posted in a while, not that anyone really reads this. (except you mom! love you!)”

it’s just a weird thing that we take so seriously and yet we don’t take seriously at all. we want people to read it and yet we say things like, “it’s my blog and i can say whatever i want.”

a blog can be a glorified journal, a scrapbook, a soapbox, a suggestion box to the world, a self-confidence booster or so many other things.

and because there are no rules to blogging, i find myself in doubt and in indecision. do i write a blog to please people or to please myself? how diplomatic should i be? should i write to my readers or should i write for my own pleasure and good, regardless of who reads.

i think the most difficult question i ask myself about blogging is, “what should i write about?” i’m usually asking the more specific question: “how much of my life do i share with this reader’s of mine?”

but that’s the thing, there are actually people who read this thing [i’m still amazed]. i get embarrassed by how many people read this thing. i instantly think, oh my goodness, what do they think of me? do they hate me? do i annoy them? do they expect me to be this hilarious in real life? 


i love this whole blogging business, i keep coming back to it obviously, but i find myself trying to find the purpose of all of it. because it’s just a funny thing to do when you think about it.

for now, my purpose is write about my life, to receive feedback (which so far has been good), and to enjoy the learning process. i may not do exactly what you all expect of me, like have a beautiful and well-thought out list of goals every year, month or week. but i will be honest with you and i will try my very darndest to make it funny and interesting to read. so there you have it, that’s what you can expect of me this year.

blogging about my life

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i so admire mommy-bloggers who set all of these goals for themselves and accomplish them every week. but it also make me feel like crap because usually one of my only goals for the week is just to blog. does that stink or what?

but i’m really not complaining. i love reading about other peoples goals and i more often feel inspired than like crap. i think it just gets me caught in a war with myself. and blogging can make it worse at times.

there is a certain expectation that comes with blogging, i hold myself to higher standards because i blog about my life. it’s really good for me and i fall short in many ways to my own standards. and you actually get to see that.

it makes failing even scarier, because i have an audience. and i choose to have an audience. i pour my freaking heart out to you people! i’ve shared a lot of my life on here. you know that i was born at home. you know many details about our finances. you know certain organizations we give money to. you know that i set goals and fail them, very often.

and if i’m being frank, i think that’s why you keep reading. you want to know what my life is like. i’ve got you hooked with my witt and charm and failures.

so what’s the balance? how do blog about my life without boring you to death or straight-up lying? how do i blog without setting impossible standards for myself? how do i blog about the realities of life with out complaining or being super annoying or super unrealistic?

honestly, i actually think i’ve actually done a pretty good job of balancing all of these things in 2011, and i’m toasting to 2012 for an even better year of blogging for all our sakes! but the bottom line is, don’t judge me for being an entire month behind on setting goals for myself.

the boiled down version of new year’s resolutions

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so far, 2012 has been about surviving for me. surviving at work, surviving at home, surviving life. it totally sucks, really. i don’t want to just survive life. i want to own life, like really, own it. i want to wake up and tell life what it’s gonna be today.

but alas, life has been so busy that i’ve had to resort to survival mode. it happens, you know? usually in january, too. i mean what the heck.

while everyone else in the world has started (and many have already failed) their new year’s resolutions already. i’m staying ahead of the curve because i haven’t even thought about my new year’s resolutions. boom, roasted.

really, if i had time to actually think about my goals for life at this point, it would really boil down to the one sentence answer i have had time to think about. be awesome at life. that’s really what goals are anyway, the means to the end of being awesome at life.

so that’s what i’ve got for you people, four words. be awesome at life. january is over today, but that’s all i’ve got. i don’t have a list, a plan or even made up statistics for you, maybe someday, after survival mode has hit.