so i went to china. [the God thing]

yeah. that actually happened!

i’m really going to try to keep this short and readable, so it might turn into a couple different posts.

let’s start this blog out with a bold statement: two days after i arrived in china, i told bryan i would move there if he wanted us to.

those that walked through these last 8-9 months with us know that one sentence is exactly why i needed to go to china. eric & holly (aka the best connection group leaders in the world) said that almost immediately after we got back.

here’s a little background. i took perspectives. it completely opened my eyes to God’s heart for the world and totally shook my view on the Bible and God up. i loved it.

the class in no way made me want to go overseas. not even a little.

but it did stir my heart for the nations, and i began to support others with prayer and money with excitement. i was 18, working a fulltime job with no plans of going to college. and i wanted to be a wife and a mom. i remember saying that i didn’t have any desire to go overseas myself, but i think i would be more willing to follow someone overseas (in other words, i want to get married and if he wants to go overseas, well, i guess i would consider that).

well, easier said than done.

last semester, God did A LOT in my heart regarding following my husband. a lot. it was the source of a lot of my tears, anguish, and worry. but God was working and just like Elizabeth George in A Woman After God’s Own Heart, i was fully prepared to receive a call from bryan while he was in china asking me to move there and say, “yes!” ha. hahahaha. hahaha.

actually, i thought bryan was crazy for even thinking we could move overseas. what would he do? what would i do? when would i get to have babies?

not.going.to.happen.

i know, i know, i wasn’t exactly the picture of an awesome wife. i was more like, sure, go to china, i’ll stay here and cry until you get back.

i just needed to go. and here’s what God showed me:

one.
my husband KILLED IT. and by killed it, i mean, SAVED IT. because he was a part of saving eternal lives. and he was really, really good at it. he was bold, direct, honest and loving. and his impact was great.

two.
i actually love asians! it’s not that i didn’t love asians before. it’s just that i didn’t love them NEARLY as much as a lot of my other friends. i think i was a little intimidated by my dear friends who are simply put, obsessed with all things asian. i was all, “if that’s what loving asians is, i’m out.” but God provided such sweet girls and guys that it was impossible not to fall in love with the people and culture there.

three.
the fact that bryan went for five weeks and i went for one was just perfect. bryan had a enough of life there to become a little more grounded and a little less idealistic about overseas life. he got a realistic idea of what it would be like (somewhat), talked to the long-termers about their struggles, vision and advice, and had good days and bad days there.
and i went for one week and was prettily easily sold on the idea. i was all, “I LOVE THE FOOD. I LOVE RIDING BUSES. I LOVE SWEATING. I LOVE THE PEOPLE. I LOVE THE FOOD.”

and that’s when God said to us, BAM! I JUST UNIFIED YOUR MARRIAGE IN ONE MORE WAY. YOU’RE WELCOME.

thanks Father, we really appreciate it.

[as a point of clarity for the sake of our moms, we currently do not have plans to go to China at this moment. more on that later.]

coming up…
so i went to china [the experiences]

so i started running.

right now it’s midnight, and i’m still up because my husband is driving back from chicago and i’ve got some nerves about it. those nerves are apparently turning into adrenaline which is fueling this writing spurt. lucky you.

normally it wouldn’t be a big deal that i am up this late. but it is a big deal because i’m looking forward to a 5:35am wake up call…to going running. by my own choice. my eyebrows are furrowing in confusion too.

here’s the story:
in late march, i got a call from ashley, one of the pastor’s wives from veritas. she told me about this idea she had to start a run/walk club this summer and how all of our veritas ladies would get together and run/walk and get fit and we’d all do a 5k at the end of the summer.

sidenote: as the very general “coordinator” of a church, i get to hear a A LOT of these “ideas.” and really, they usually mean, “lisagrace, here’s something else i’d like you to magically organize and make awesome like you do.” but you see, ashley is awesome (not JUST because she remembered “administrative professionals day” and made me a heart shaped sucker). no, ashley is awesome because she read my mind. she was all, “you won’t have to do anything.”

sold.

this is me after a run, my face is way more red than instagram makes me look.

well, anyway, i was excited about this little club, because although i look skinny and tall and athletic, it’s all a lie. so i went the first week and told my friend kaylee to make me run.
needless to say, it ended in me, keeled over and gagging, while kaylee ran ahead because she was so grossed out.

the second time wasn’t much better. nor the third.

but i’m pretty competitive and i was going to run without almost dying! and after hearing about it a bunch on facebook and all that jazz, i decided to download an app on my phone. and it’s working. the app is called 5k Runner or “Couch to 5k.” i was convinced by the name, because i was all, “hey i like couches and sit in them a lot currently.”

i hated running (and almost all forms of exercise for that matter) for a long time because i wasn’t good at it, i always quit too early because i felt like i was going to die, and i never knew how to breath while exercising.

but this little 8 eight week program is all i needed apparently. that and an iphone. here’s how it’s helped and made me believe that i can run a 5k.

it starts off really easy, which made my ego shoot through the roof
i don’t have to think about it, all i have to do is run until my phone buzzes in my hand. then i walk until it buzzes. and all of sudden, i just ran for 8 eight minutes straight and i am in shock.
it’s not distance, it’s time. i can go as slow as i want, as long as i’m still running. i take advantage of that as much as i can. i believe my friend sarai calls it wogging (walking+jogging)
it’s pretty much a built-in idea that you pace yourself and that is what improved my breathing the most. it still takes some focus, but my breathing is much improved and i don’t gag anymore!

i actually also have a really spiritual post in my brain related to running, but i’ll save that for another time.

iwanttodoeverythingawesome

my latest self discovery is that i am a perfectionist. but i’m kind of a weird version of a perfectionist, because i’m also a very fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind-of girl, which often warrants a lot of imperfections.

the perfectionist part of me can.not.handle. too much. which is what my life is right now. bottom line: if i can’t do everything perfectly, i don’t want to do anything at all.

and the worst part, the part that gets me in trouble, is that i want to do EVERYTHING. it’s not just that life has given me a lot to do right now (which is part of it), but it’s also that there are just so many things that i like and even love doing! so i say yes, yes, yes, and more yes…and then (you can probably guess) i end up crying in yet another staff meeting and this time it’s all about how hard it is to be a wife and have a job and do every hobby and hang out with every person that i would like to.

and while in the past week my life has actually had somewhat of a routine to it, and i’m actually doing things i should and want to be doing, there is still so much i’m not doing and i’m just trying to sort it all out. sheesh. it’s time for me to make a list. or several.

THINGS I LOVE TO DO:
write.
craft.
help people with crafts.
spend time with people.

THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING:
making dinner.
grocery shopping.
having energy to love and care for my husband.
helping my husband with whatever he needs.
laundry.
cleaning my house.

THINGS THAT I KNOW ARE GOOD FOR ME:
reading the Bible.
journaling to Jesus.
confessing my sin.
running/exercising.

THINGS THAT I HAVEN’T DONE YET THAT HAVE BEEN ON ‘THE LIST’ FOR YEARS:
painting my bathrooms.
fixing all the slightly damaged clothing we have.
getting our back door fixed.
continuing to de clutter.

THINGS THAT I WISH I WAS BETTER AT:
being a good friend.
being a good family member.
staying calm and collected under stress.
convincing bryan to get me pregnant.

right now. i’m working on ‘write.’ we’ll see what i get to tomorrow.

a bit of awesome for your monday

I’d thought I’d re-enter the blog world with a bit of awesomeness.

So, I sent this picture (how talented am I?!?) to some of my friends that I wanted to make sure I see when I’m in Ames “on business” (how fancy and professional am I?!?!) this week:

and this is how one of my favorite people on earth, paige van voorst replies:

I will also note that the picture filed is name “BRING IT ON.”

If a picture is worth 1000 words, then you just received 1000 awesomes.

weak week.

“we can be imperfect christians because we cling to a perfect Christ.“

–Gospel Centered Discipleship, pg. 16

i just started reading the above book, and that sentence is just a perfect way to start this blog. i was thankful to read it, as well as many other good one-liners about authenticity.

when i wrote my last post, it was midnight at the end of the hardest day i’ve had in a long time (obviously). and i really wanted to share how i was feeling. i generally dislike relying on other people (and God) when i need help so in some ways it was a challenge to myself to write about how horrible i was actually doing.

and you know what? after i wrote that post, the rest of the week i felt so…guilty? frustrated with myself? weak? helpless? insecure? at least one of the above, though i’m not sure which one.

it was so difficult to go to salt the following evening and hear from James 1:1-18: joy in suffering. don’t get me wrong, i was amen-ing just about everything drew said, but i just kept thinking, really? i’m supposed to be joyful right now? are you kidding me? i honestly had a pretty sassy moment with God about it…

at the same time, i was so convicted by my lack of dependence on Him. it’s really stinking obvious that i rely and depend SO MUCH on my husband to de-stress me, encourage me and all around hold me together, isn’t it? i mean, my entire blogpost was basically declaring that. several times last week i thought, i don’t think i could survive if bryan died, i’m such a wreck right now. and yes, i’m so thankful that i love and miss my husband that much. and i really believe it’s glorifying to God when i depend on my husband. but as i continued to feel incredibly alone, God continued to speak to me, I’m here, lisagrace, I’m right here. and He is! but i wan’t necessarily ready to be excited about that truth. i still really wanted my husband back.

and that was pretty much my week. i battled the guilt i was feeling for being such an explosive mess of tears and not depending and having joy in Jesus. and i tried to keep my ears open to hear God speaking into me, telling me how much He loves me and how much He wants to hold me. and everyday, it was hard. and everyday, i didn’t know if i could handle it.

but you know what i just love? that i don’t have to be perfect. so maybe i’m not the picture of “joy in suffering” right now. because if i’m not that, i am a picture of God showing great kindness to a dearly loved child (who is truly acting like a child). in this extreme weakness, i am experiencing God’s love more than ever. it’s not every day or all the time but in these dark days, i hear Him.

i hear Him say, I am enough. and hearing that from the King makes me start crying almost every time. today, He said in 1 Peter, cast all of your anxieties on me, because I care for you. and in that moment, i truly believed that my Jesus cares for me. and i’m standing in that truth right now, because i’m so, so, so in need of his care right now. when i read that and heard Jesus really say that to me, i felt an arm go around me, and i felt the freedom to cry on His shoulder, and I heard his comforting words speaking into my fears and anxieties and loneliness and sadness.

and maybe to everyone else in the coffee shop, i looked like a girl in the corner sobbing over a book. but to me, all of a sudden i was experiencing the gospel. i was experiencing relationship with Jesus. just me and Jesus, living life together. just me, crying on His shoulder, and just Jesus, speaking truth into my life, because He is always truth.

i have a pretty great life. on a normal day, i have the best husband in the world to comfort me and calm me and lead me. and i have a ton of other great blessings too. every so often though, God brings me these horribly uncomfortable and dark and lonely times to bring me all the way to Him again. i need the darkness to appreciate the light.

so, you know, i’m glad you got a taste of how sad i was last week. because that’s me. that’s true. and i absolutely should have more joy in Christ, yes, but i didn’t last week. i’m glad you know that. i’m glad you prayed for me.

i’m so thankful i have Jesus, because He is moving in my life, even on the darkest of days.

blog it out

well, i had plans to blog a bunch while i’m alone with nothing else to do, but as you may know, i kind-of fall apart when bryan’s gone. this time, it’s been no exception. up until this past weekend, i really didn’t do anything productive, except at work. i’ve actually been working a lot.

but anyway, today was the worst day i’ve had so far. i cried or was about to cry the entire day. literally. and i’m here to blog it out, while simultaneously updating you on all of my feelings about everything happening in my life.

we think bryan might get a job offer in seattle. it’s still quite up in the air, because the man bryan interviewed with would have to create some sort of position for him, but he really, really seemed to like bryan. (of course he did, my husband is awesome and fantastic and so, so, so amazing) in fact, i’ll share what he said about him to bryan’s mom (who works at the same company):

“He said that he was really impressed by Bryan, and that Bryan is really mature for his age. I started to say something about Bryan’s hard work, and he acknowledged that, but brushed it aside. He said that he was impressed by Bryan because he could tell that Bryan really cared about people. Jim said that in this business, you have just a couple of minutes to gain someone’s trust, and that Bryan’s caring came through so well and so quickly that in Jim’s opinion, Bryan will be very successful, especially as a Financial Planner. Jim went on to say that he met with another possible candidate right after Bryan, and there was such a difference that he didn’t even tell that guy about the job, instead he just talked about careers in finance.”

when i read that email from bryan’s mom, that was my first good cry about bryan being gone. i was reminded of how awesome he is and how much i love him and that just made me really, really miss him.

and then i cried when i heard his voice the next morning. that was so good.

and then i cried when i read the email to our connection group.

and then i was okay, at least, i wasn’t crying. i was surviving. i’ve received so many offers to hang out, to come over for dinner, to do whatever, and i really didn’t feel like doing anything, but i did it anyway and was and am so thankful for and loved by the offers. it was good.

and then i got to talk to bryan for around 40 minutes. and i cried. a lot. but it was the best thing for me. i realized how much i need to vent and talk through everything with bryan, and i was actually able to do that a little bit last friday. if you can’t already tell, bryan is my best friend. he is the only one who truly gets all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly-cries. and i need him to have all of me and hear all my fears and stress and everything. and for a month, i have to deal with all the stress by myself.

and after a productive and also somewhat trying weekend, i lost my sanity a bit this morning. and it lasted all day. i just couldn’t stop crying. i felt so overwhelmed and so alone at the same time. and i know i wasn’t alone. in fact, i was surrounded by a staff that cares about me and is praying for me. but i’m without my other half-the one who makes me so incredibly happy when i’m so incredibly stressed. and i just lost it.

i think i’m just really tired of life right now and my natural inclination is to give up and want some extreme change. so, if i’m honest, i want to move to seattle. because i’m tired.

but i don’t get to choose. i have the privilege of following my husband (who loves me and wants the best for me and hears every fear and struggle i have).

you can see how bi-polar my thoughts are right now, and you probably aren’t surprised at how this mixture of thoughts and life-happenings is causing me to erupt in tears that last an entire day. seriously, my eyes looked bruised with redness underneath them after today. but i’m okay, and i’ll make it another 12 days. and i cried in front of everyone i was around. and i got my haircut and i had dinner and watched steel magnolias with holly and eric and that was good. i’m good, but only because God is good and He knows me too. He knows the desires of my heart. and God is leading bryan. and God knows our future. and He is my hope and all i need.

so there is my depressing blogpost for the week. you’re welcome. love you all, thank you for your prayers. and sorry if i cry on you.

The Fly-Over

Here’s a quick fly-over of our lives over the past few months…

1. Filled 210 Easter Eggs 2. Remade a Dress 3. Sold our TV 4. Found a Giant Bird Nest in our Grill 5. Went to Audrey’s Bridal Shower 6. Family Time 7. Hosted Layla’s Bridal Shower 8. Started Cross-Stitching 9. Bryan finished College! 10. Found 6 Eggs in our Grill 11. Saw a Red Panda 12. Bryan had 3 Interviews in Seattle 13-20. Explored Oregon

and the plans change again.

and just when you thought you had at least one solid plan for the near future…

the plan changes again.

for the last six months, bryan and i have been preparing our hearts, minds, and marriage for a 12 week time apart for the sake of the nations. we love the world, and the people in the world. we love God’s plan for the eternal salvation of all nations, and we want to be as much a part of it as we can.

so, as you know, we decided last december that bryan would go to east asia for twelve weeks to share the gospel with the unreached with these lovely people:

we never had a second thought about this decision. when you’re convinced of the extremely good news of salvation through jesus christ, decisions to share that good news in a largely unreached nation is very close to a no-brainer.

sure, i’ve cried. a lot. but i knew that the gospel was worth missing my husband. as for our marriage, our plan was to talk to each other weekly so that we could stay as one minded as possible. we knew it might be hard to communicate with each other, but we could make it work. we are convinced the gospel will prevail in east asia and in our marriage.

twelve weeks. this was the plan. actually, it was one of the only plans that was a “sure thing.” we still don’t know if we’re going to move in the fall, we don’t know if our lives are going to stay very much the same or be very different in six months from now. but we did know that bryan was going to be in east asia from may 21st until august 6th.

or so we thought.

i have never taken for granted the fact that bryan and i are apart of an amazing church. we go to a church where the elders pray for us specifically, they know us by name, they genuinely love and care for us and our well-being. and our church loves the nations too. bryan is one of 29 students going overseas this year with the support of veritas. how awesome is that?!

but we experienced just how awesome our church is and definitely felt just how much our church loves is. and the verdict is…

bryan is going to east asia. and so am i. and we’ll both be back by june 24th.
bryan will leave with his team as planned on may 21st. and i’ll leave sometime around june 13th to meet him there. we’ll work together for about a week and fly home together. in the end, we’ll only be spending about three weeks apart!

there were many people that voiced their concerns and opinions and love for us. and we were not hesitant to change our plans and submit to such awesome, prayerful, and wise leadership.

we’ll be sending out letters to all of bryan’s supporters to share this story with them but if you are one of bryan’s supporters, feel free to let us know if you have any questions.

we have felt so supported and loved by our supporters, our friends, our families, and our church throughout these past six months. it is truly exciting to live in step with God, and we pray that this summer would only deepen our relationship with our God.

greeted from afar.

i’m re-entering the blogging world with a more serious post. God’s been faithful to speak to me through His word, as He always is. what have you been reading lately?

every time i go back to hebrews, i find a new reason to call it my favorite book of the bible. this time, it has allowed me to get outside of my own head and simply hear truth. i can barely get through a chapter in many other books of the bible (new testament, especially) because nearly every sentence convicts my heart just as it was intended. this is really good for me, i assure you, but reading hebrews, i felt as if i was getting to know my jesus again.

hebrews is like a 13 chapter overview of the gospel (aka the entire bible), the great story throughout history that is always pointing to our salvation. i loved each and every bit of this book even though in my lack of discipline i usually only picked it up about once a week.

two weeks ago, i found myself sitting in this room reading hebrews 11.

i literally escaped from the world around me. i was in a perfect room, an hour away from iowa city with no cellphone or internet and two uninterrupted hours to spend with the Lord. God gave me a special treat that day, i left feeling incredibly refreshed, and also with a clear word from the Lord, which doesn’t always happen when i read the bible, i’ll admit.

the sentence i discovered was “ordinary people with an eternal perspective.” i’m sure i’m not the first person to stumble upon that truth, or even form that sentence. but that day, it was like God had formed that in me, word by word.

“eternal perspective” was the first thing i was struck by. in hebrews 11:13 it says, “these all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.” (emphasis added)

this really spoke to me. “these,” our fathers who have died in faith greeted the promises from afar-like an old friend. they lived for these promises, only to never receive them in their short lifetimes here on earth. but they greeted them from afar. i was really hung up on these few words. do i greet the promises from afar? would i recognize them up close let alone from afar? am i living for what i can see today, or what i know to be the greater truth?

i was baffled, convicted and in awe of the eternal perspective our fathers of faith had. chapter 11 goes on to list people in our great heritage of faith and i was overwhelmed by how ordinary everyone was. these were normal people that God did great things with! it says again in verse 39, “and all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised.” could i do that? and more, do i consider myself ordinary enough to simply know and do God’s will?

ordinary people.
eternal perspective.

today, i’m thankful for God’s living and active word.

see ya later, #19.

i’ve got a rotten tooth. you can see the cute little swell on the side of my gums. sick.

i went to the dentist on tuesday, and they didn’t tell me anything i didn’t already know (because there are three dental students in our connection group and they know what’s up). the verdict is that i’m getting this sucker ripped out next thursday. super fun.

tooth #19 is my arch-nemesis. almost as soon as it grew in when i was a kid, a huge cavity formed, for no apparent reason. so i got a filling. then, when i was 18, the existing tooth around the filling just broke off when i was at a barbecue with some friends. cute. so i had a root canal, refilled the tooth, and put a nice crown on top of all of that. and now, 5 years later, the infection is back with a vengeance and the dentist recommended that we don’t give the tooth any more chances. and although i’m pretty sure it’s a heck of a lot more expensive to get an implant, i’m pretty convinced it will be better in the long run.

alsberries

enjoying the sweet life