right now i’ve been experiencing a little thing i like to call insecurity.
if you know me at all, you know i come from a family that is extremely self-confident and secure. my mom is a great example of this attitude that has affected most in my family. the duvicks are simply confident people, everyone knows that.
it’s not that i’ve never experienced insecurity before. trust me, i have. but this is different some how. it’s a crippling kind of insecurity, the kind where i find myself saying “i can’t do this.“
i’ve always been one to buck up and getter done when faced with challenges, i’ve never found myself so scared to face challenges.
before you start to feel sorry for me, let me redirect this post: this is a really good thing. once again, i find myself 12 years after accepting Christ into my life and yet only scratching the surface of understanding Him. i’ve had some very real moments with God. i’ve had to surrender these fears in a very real way. once again, the fact that i can’t do this is being made real to my hard heart.
i can’t lead an international student to Christ.
i can’t effectively disciple a college girl.
i can’t give perfect and wise counsel on how to budget.
i really can’t do those things. they’re too big for me. too scary for me. those things are crippling to me.
but God? oh, He can do those things. He doesn’t have any problems with those things. and what’s more is that He can use someone like me to do those things. i have no talent for evangelism, i have no good track record with discipling, i can do my own budget but teaching is another story.
but this year, it’s different. because i joined a family group, a bible study for internationals. a friend asked me to disciple her and i said yes. another friend asked for wisdom with money.
in other words, i’m here. i’m showing up.
i’m crazy for it, but i’m still doing it.
i’m freaking out, but it’s humbling me to my knees. i seriously doubt i’ll be at all effective in any of this if i forget to pray.
surprisingly, this newfound insecurity and flat-out terror is actually a good thing. because i finally know that i can’t do this.